So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
