It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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