3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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