You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
