oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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