Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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