Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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