morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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