You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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