I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize