Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
