My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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