Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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