If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
