life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
