Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
