you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
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