No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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