Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize