I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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