I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
