i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
