I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
