i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
