I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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