so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
