Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
My balls are so social today.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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