Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
