I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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