Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
