My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
