she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
