Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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