U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
