So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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