U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
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