It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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