you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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