Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
