Where is the hickey?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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