Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
