I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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