How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
