I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He passed out mid-signature
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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