Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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