Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
