woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
