Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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