True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
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