if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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