the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You took a bar mat shot.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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