I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My bed smells like the plague
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
