and you said cock pushups were impossible
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
