My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
