Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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