Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
