he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
