my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
