What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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