apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize