my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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