I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
